Another lesson i didnt get to learn.

you're my obsession, i've got nowhere to turn.

I could walk out of this house and take the train to you right now but that wouldnt change anything between us. I told you i hated you and said & i am sorry my conscience called in sick again..and ive got arrogance down to a science. Becuase everytime i speak my mind im leaving you behind and placing another in your place. Someone who treats me better. I hope the guilt trip suffocates you.
of course, hes friends with the girl i once put first before anyone, we were very close and i had to leave her behind. im rememinded everyday how much of a mistake i made that day, im reminded by the people who ive replaced her with. im so far away from her now & i cant turn back. no matter how much i want her to be here by my side helping me through times like these like she did before. i cant go back. & Im going deaf from the "i told you so"s
and im sorry for the pain ive cause you big sister and i hope you're doing well. i miss you more than i did before, but i cant go back. i cant turn around and i hope you know i regret every single word i said. i hope you forgive me.. and im going to let you know that i dont care if you lied about everything you said, i just want to let you know that i still miss you more than anything and im sorry for how our friendship had to end. i still think of you as the sister i never had. no matter what happens...

I want to be better than I am.

So ive come to a realization, if you will, that i will either love you or i will hate everything about you, at any given time during a day or even as little as a few hours. I dont know how, but thats what it eventually comes down to.
Right now, right in the middle, I’m right in the middle.


and why does it always come down to me writing about you in some sense?

Not ready for sincerity, I'd tell any lies to keep you listening.

these days have been so fucked up i cannot seem to jump into the future with everyone bringing the past with us instead of burying it. fuck the way everyone wants to bring up things when others want to forget them. although fixing how people feel about the past makes the future a whole lot less awkward. fuck it, im putting an end to this, i dont want to feel like this anymore.

It's so pathetic, I make myself sick. i dont want you, i dont want you, i dont fucking want you but everytime i see you i start going into i-really-dont-like-you-i-swear-to-god-i-dont-please-stop-looking-at-me-like-that mode. maybe my dream about us will come true but i doubt it. i honestly wouldnt mind if it didnt come true.

Take two years and call me when you're better.

I cant wait another fucking year just to escape.

Who the fuck are you trying to convince? Us or yourself? Am i the only one who realizes that its not completely horrible in this town? The only one who realizes that even if we lived somewhere else we would still want something better than what we have? Put that into your head and let it soak in. Maybe you'll understand that this city is better than some out there. Although i hate these nights at home, im not going to same something drastic without thinking (i know, its a first). You need to realize that what you have is never good enough. you have to have more, ask for more, and im either really annoyed right now or im getting fed up with this shit.
and its funny how you can know someone for years and all it takes is one let down after another (and not saying a fucking thing about it) for things you never thought annoyed you to emerge. you never really think about it till it pops in your head every few minutes and you get entirely pissed off.

the same thing with you can know a guy for half a year and suddenly hes becomes something more to you. it just clicks. you dont really know why and you want to ignore it becuase hes your friend, but you suddenly look at him in an entirely different view. but i need to ignore this. this is the 2nd time today. i cant love you, and i cant imagine what you would say if i said i was falling for you and i dont want to think about it.
why cant i just be happy with what i have for once? why cant i just be content with every good thing going on, i want more but i dont want to open my mouth up about it. i want someone there for me, to actually show me that theres a decent boy just for me. we're not just falling in love anymore, we're demanding it.
and every finger is pointing to you but all you can see is me running away from you, running away from what i really want.

Crash, crash into my arms, we're the ones with the issues

the alcohol running down my throat cant possible drown out the 2 a.m. lonliness. I can feeling coming now and noone can stop it. i want someone to be intelligent for once, a guy who likes me and has a brain would be nice. the record spins and spins but it doesnt make a sound.
lets play this game of apologize and hide. as if i would suddenly become a bitch and start yelling at you about how you wronged me and how i wasted my time on a boy like you. even if its true. the only thing i hate more that being ignored is having someone hiding when they know, i know exactly where they are. i figured you be more a of man than that. you're a mess and its pathetic. i did waste my time but why would i bother telling you that? if you arent going to talk to me.. why apologize?
my head's spinning around like a record and i dont know when the songs going to end. the bottle's so inviting i can help but give in. i feel like i need it every minute and if i dont take one more drink im going to feel weak again, so weak it reminds me of how i felt every second i was with him, but not in the butterflies in your stomache kind of feeling. the feeling that you cant pull away because they are your crutch, and you're waiting for something better but they find it before you.
and i suddenly know why people get drunk all the time.