round and round and round we go again.. im getting to the point where singing doesnt even help me anymore.. its really bad if i have to write this out.. becuase now i feel like i cant talk to him about this.. you see.. the root of all my problems is trying to figure out if.. if he can promise me a happy ending i can believe in. im so insecure. my past has led me to be pessimistic. i used to always think of guys as untrustworthy, should always be held at arms length and i should never get used to being with someone. i have never let my guard down to anyone and when i was so close to letting my guard down with him.. he stabs me in the heart. despite what i thought, i wasnt ready for all of this. i thought that me and him could be together forever.. but i was proven wrong.
i cant tell him how im in love with him. i cant without freaking him out.. i want him to come to me and say it.
(continued...)
when im fighting with him i cant breath. it seems impossible. i want to spill my heart out to him.. tell him everything no one knows about me.. but i cant because im fearful of his intentions. im afraid of what i really mean to him.. if he loves me as much as i love him. im scared to know if he really sees us being together.. forever. i hid everything from him before.. im always scared that he wont be he forever. im in love with him.. i literally love everything about him.. but my heart is trying to rebuild itself but i cant completely fix it knowing one day me might give up on me. in Konocti.. when he was sick i couldnt think of anything else but his pain, regardless of my own. its not that i chose to. i couldnt. he literally means the world to me.
i cant stand the thought of everything he said to her and about me those few weeks.. how he was "in love with her".. how he couldnt wait to be with her & lose me. he NEVER said things like that to me and that makes me feel like i did something wrong. i cant forget that.. it feels like he still wants to be with her. it kills me. it hurts so bad. he couldnt ever comprehend. he wrote stuff about her that he NEVER said to me. which was a knife to my already collapsing heart. despite all of this..
im in love with him and he can never know.. at least not until he comes out and tells me first. i dont know what to do until then. i dont know if i should tell him.. but i want him to know why i keep acting like this. its hard to keep secrets from him. i was in love with him a few weeks ago when he demolished my heart and that hurt more than anything else in the world. and despite what i thought, i was caught completely off guard. she could never know how i feel. no one could. no one i know at least..
and now im afraid of opening up to him again because i dont want this to happen ever again..
(im so fucking glad no one i know has the link to this..)
