your best kept secret or your biggest mistake

just tell me one way we can win..

2008-08-06T21:32:00.000-07:00

round and round and round we go again.. im getting to the point where singing doesnt even help me anymore.. its really bad if i have to write this out.. becuase now i feel like i cant talk to him about this.. you see.. the root of all my problems is trying to figure out if.. if he can promise me a happy ending i can believe in. im so insecure. my past has led me to be pessimistic. i used to always think of guys as untrustworthy, should always be held at arms length and i should never get used to being with someone. i have never let my guard down to anyone and when i was so close to letting my guard down with him.. he stabs me in the heart. despite what i thought, i wasnt ready for all of this. i thought that me and him could be together forever.. but i was proven wrong.
i cant tell him how im in love with him. i cant without freaking him out.. i want him to come to me and say it.

(continued...)
when im fighting with him i cant breath. it seems impossible. i want to spill my heart out to him.. tell him everything no one knows about me.. but i cant because im fearful of his intentions. im afraid of what i really mean to him.. if he loves me as much as i love him. im scared to know if he really sees us being together.. forever. i hid everything from him before.. im always scared that he wont be he forever. im in love with him.. i literally love everything about him.. but my heart is trying to rebuild itself but i cant completely fix it knowing one day me might give up on me. in Konocti.. when he was sick i couldnt think of anything else but his pain, regardless of my own. its not that i chose to. i couldnt. he literally means the world to me.
i cant stand the thought of everything he said to her and about me those few weeks.. how he was "in love with her".. how he couldnt wait to be with her & lose me. he NEVER said things like that to me and that makes me feel like i did something wrong. i cant forget that.. it feels like he still wants to be with her. it kills me. it hurts so bad. he couldnt ever comprehend. he wrote stuff about her that he NEVER said to me. which was a knife to my already collapsing heart. despite all of this..
im in love with him and he can never know.. at least not until he comes out and tells me first. i dont know what to do until then. i dont know if i should tell him.. but i want him to know why i keep acting like this. its hard to keep secrets from him. i was in love with him a few weeks ago when he demolished my heart and that hurt more than anything else in the world. and despite what i thought, i was caught completely off guard. she could never know how i feel. no one could. no one i know at least..
and now im afraid of opening up to him again because i dont want this to happen ever again..

(im so fucking glad no one i know has the link to this..)

Maybe when I'm done with endings this can begin.

2007-11-06T20:45:00.000-08:00

Maybe things can end happily ever after, after all.
Im seeing myself in different ways. that doesnt exactally mean im changing but im looking at myself from a different view, if you will.
im healing from wounds that should have been faded long ago. and my best friend and my closest friends are making it help.
and for the first time in my life, im finally figuring out that a happily ever after, doesnt seem too out of reach.

Your friendship and good times we had you can have them back.

2007-11-01T16:34:00.000-07:00

You cant say i changed, at least not without having to look how you've changed in to process.
i dont want to be around people who will treat me different just becuase of something i do that doesnt even affect them. i dont want that. if they carent they would have told me and not let it get in between our friendship. but hey, you cant change people and im all right with that. at least i have people who wont treat be different becuase of something. sure some of them do the same thing but that doesnt change anything.
i dont need this shit. i dont talk to them anymore because i cant relate to them and the fact that they seldom include me, maybe i was distancing myself from them, but why should i give a fuck anymore? i couldnt even be serious around them, sure i could have a good time with them but i was in a postion where i couldnt turn to anyone for a real conversation about things that really mattered. not shit that doesnt have any significance.
so thanks for the memories and the influence youve had on my life but i dont want friends who will treat me different and say i act different(when they have as well), and ditch me when they said they would stop. im sorry and i hope you understand that.

So thank you, your friendship you can have it back.

Another lesson i didnt get to learn.

2007-10-25T16:48:00.000-07:00

you're my obsession, i've got nowhere to turn.

I could walk out of this house and take the train to you right now but that wouldnt change anything between us. I told you i hated you and said & i am sorry my conscience called in sick again..and ive got arrogance down to a science. Becuase everytime i speak my mind im leaving you behind and placing another in your place. Someone who treats me better. I hope the guilt trip suffocates you.
of course, hes friends with the girl i once put first before anyone, we were very close and i had to leave her behind. im rememinded everyday how much of a mistake i made that day, im reminded by the people who ive replaced her with. im so far away from her now & i cant turn back. no matter how much i want her to be here by my side helping me through times like these like she did before. i cant go back. & Im going deaf from the "i told you so"s
and im sorry for the pain ive cause you big sister and i hope you're doing well. i miss you more than i did before, but i cant go back. i cant turn around and i hope you know i regret every single word i said. i hope you forgive me.. and im going to let you know that i dont care if you lied about everything you said, i just want to let you know that i still miss you more than anything and im sorry for how our friendship had to end. i still think of you as the sister i never had. no matter what happens...

I want to be better than I am.

2007-10-12T22:06:00.000-07:00

So ive come to a realization, if you will, that i will either love you or i will hate everything about you, at any given time during a day or even as little as a few hours. I dont know how, but thats what it eventually comes down to.
Right now, right in the middle, I’m right in the middle.

and why does it always come down to me writing about you in some sense?

Not ready for sincerity, I'd tell any lies to keep you listening.

2007-10-12T17:52:00.000-07:00

these days have been so fucked up i cannot seem to jump into the future with everyone bringing the past with us instead of burying it. fuck the way everyone wants to bring up things when others want to forget them. although fixing how people feel about the past makes the future a whole lot less awkward. fuck it, im putting an end to this, i dont want to feel like this anymore.

It's so pathetic, I make myself sick. i dont want you, i dont want you, i dont fucking want you but everytime i see you i start going into i-really-dont-like-you-i-swear-to-god-i-dont-please-stop-looking-at-me-like-that mode. maybe my dream about us will come true but i doubt it. i honestly wouldnt mind if it didnt come true.

Take two years and call me when you're better.

2007-10-11T18:10:00.000-07:00

I cant wait another fucking year just to escape.

Who the fuck are you trying to convince? Us or yourself? Am i the only one who realizes that its not completely horrible in this town? The only one who realizes that even if we lived somewhere else we would still want something better than what we have? Put that into your head and let it soak in. Maybe you'll understand that this city is better than some out there. Although i hate these nights at home, im not going to same something drastic without thinking (i know, its a first). You need to realize that what you have is never good enough. you have to have more, ask for more, and im either really annoyed right now or im getting fed up with this shit.
and its funny how you can know someone for years and all it takes is one let down after another (and not saying a fucking thing about it) for things you never thought annoyed you to emerge. you never really think about it till it pops in your head every few minutes and you get entirely pissed off.

the same thing with you can know a guy for half a year and suddenly hes becomes something more to you. it just clicks. you dont really know why and you want to ignore it becuase hes your friend, but you suddenly look at him in an entirely different view. but i need to ignore this. this is the 2nd time today. i cant love you, and i cant imagine what you would say if i said i was falling for you and i dont want to think about it.
why cant i just be happy with what i have for once? why cant i just be content with every good thing going on, i want more but i dont want to open my mouth up about it. i want someone there for me, to actually show me that theres a decent boy just for me. we're not just falling in love anymore, we're demanding it.
and every finger is pointing to you but all you can see is me running away from you, running away from what i really want.

Crash, crash into my arms, we're the ones with the issues

2007-10-04T17:50:00.000-07:00

the alcohol running down my throat cant possible drown out the 2 a.m. lonliness. I can feeling coming now and noone can stop it. i want someone to be intelligent for once, a guy who likes me and has a brain would be nice. the record spins and spins but it doesnt make a sound.
lets play this game of apologize and hide. as if i would suddenly become a bitch and start yelling at you about how you wronged me and how i wasted my time on a boy like you. even if its true. the only thing i hate more that being ignored is having someone hiding when they know, i know exactly where they are. i figured you be more a of man than that. you're a mess and its pathetic. i did waste my time but why would i bother telling you that? if you arent going to talk to me.. why apologize?
my head's spinning around like a record and i dont know when the songs going to end. the bottle's so inviting i can help but give in. i feel like i need it every minute and if i dont take one more drink im going to feel weak again, so weak it reminds me of how i felt every second i was with him, but not in the butterflies in your stomache kind of feeling. the feeling that you cant pull away because they are your crutch, and you're waiting for something better but they find it before you.
and i suddenly know why people get drunk all the time.

Quick with lips, just rip me apart, Sometimes it's times like this, yeah

2007-09-27T17:17:00.000-07:00

it was our fault. we were paired up constantly and we thought that we liked each other but we took a step in the wrong direction and now we hate the very thought of the other. im sorry for this but i dont regret a single thing i said since that day.

You only hold me up like this
Cause you don't know who I really am

and you never will becuase you're a bitch and cant stand to be 20 minutes away from me or not seeing me for more than a day.
boys like you make girls like me want to get revenge and shove it in you face many times but it would be oh so wrong to want to be friends again so i wont bother. say goodbye to your hat, bitch. ha ha ha. let the flames begin.

If not for you, I know I'd tear this place to the ground

2007-08-28T16:49:00.000-07:00

i hate this place where everyone wants to be the same thing, the same person
who wants the same things, the same people
lets do something different for a change
lets be more than this, more than just built us suspence the the wake of an accident

cant i have dreams of driving off into sunsets with my best friends, just watching life pass us by
im afraid to say no when someone asks if i want to go to college
i just say i dont know, hoping they'll get the hint and go away
but they never do

Tonight lets drive around
Wasting this desert town
Nothing can tear us down, now
Cause you are the best thing we could ever ask for
You broke every heart from the stage to the door

lets burn down something beautiful

2007-08-18T20:10:00.000-07:00

i found a boy that i like no matter how he dresses or what he does.
i swore to never look at boys like him but somehow i dont care anymore. he might be everything to me and i wont take the chance to shut him out just becuase we're different. we have things in common i've never had with any other boy and i wont shut him out, i wont.

hes better than the boy who cried commitment.
..honestly why do i even mention him anymore? i wont, i promise.

i'll wake up to another 4 asprin morning and get the courage to ask her if she can have him hang out with us again.

and maybe this time i wont be tangled in lies again.

how's the weather up there?

2007-08-10T21:42:00.000-07:00

all these painful memories im forced to relive is a constant reminder of how alive i actually am.
the bench, the stairs, the grass and the places we used to live like summer is forever. things that sound sweet when you still feel alive but after, you look at them and you wish you still felt the same. but yesterday is something i cant fix, i cant fix this alone. i cant fix what i broke all alone. you came and you went and im still wondering why.
he never wanted me to go but he told me to anyways and he left without a reason why.

and the clock seems to tick the same, sound seems to feel the same but i never fully healed. im starting to remove the stitches so i can fully make a recovery but i'll still have a scar, a small one but big enough for me to remember sometimes when im wondering how it happened. thats when i'll remeber the boy who made me realize that good things dont last.

and the clock remind me of summer.

Cause im a sucker for a good time

2007-08-09T19:13:00.000-07:00

i think its hilarious that im too lazy too cook but i can walk 20 minutes to subway and back to get a sandwhich.

i'll pray to god tomorrow will be the day.

every word he writes makes me feel like trying to be just like him. the way he paints the page with vibrant colors and turns it into something beautiful. every sentence makes me want to write and write and write everything out. the way he could be talking about absolutely nothing but it makes me feel like someone out there understands how i feel and what i wish could be possible. every song makes me want to sing along regardless if i understand the meanings behind them or not. he is better than i could ever hope to be but i still hope i could one day think like him. this kid is peter wentz and he is a genius no matter what anyone else thinks.

I need caffeine in my bloodstream, I take caffeine in the bloodstream

2007-08-05T19:37:00.000-07:00

i hate it when im dating someone, we break up and then we stop talking to each other.
i hate burning my bridges like that.
who would want that?

well im not going to care anymore, because he doesnt matter and i dont want to talk about him anymore, im tired of this shit.

p.s. i love it when i make fun of you and you smile :]

im in the buisness of misery

2007-08-03T21:38:00.000-07:00

im tired of this
forget love cause loves forgotten me
and forget him because what hes got is far worst than what i could ever do to him
its so easy for me to move on, its scary
and its not too bad, i might seem clingy sometimes but im really not
i move on fast so dont expect me to cry over you

work sucks i know but its fun to get paid to be bored and write lyrics.. not too bad for 7.50 an hour
well if im not in hell the whole time.. which if a certain person is there.. then i most definately wont be there

i think i'd rather have work than school but at least at school i can hang out with these kids, get into trouble and cause some damage

singing everywhere while making people pissed and annoyed at us & watching the tide roll in with my best friends..
thats better than anything i ever had with him.

There's a story at the bottom of this bottle

2007-07-26T21:25:00.000-07:00

i really feel like i made the biggest mistake yesterday but i felt like i made a bigger mistake trying to fix the first. no matter what i do i always end up either regretting it and end up not later or end up not regretting it and regret it later. and no matter what i do i always think of something i could change and everything would be better...and the thing i would change would be something i said.
i need to keep my big fucking mouth shut from now on or think about what i say before i say it and im leaning towards the first. i seriously need her back at times like these and i wish i didnt have to tell her that we couldnt be friends but we cant i cant go back.
i need my big sister.

it's just past six and im feelin' young and reckless.

2007-07-24T18:08:00.000-07:00

i hate playing this game of he said, she said.

i feel bad about everything i ask you.
and i feel horrible for feeling that way.
and the record wont stop spinning. it keeps my hopes up but breaks my heart all the same.
6/27 was a horrible day (so was the 3rd) but sunday made up for it.

To my favorite liar.. to my favorite scar,

you were the best thing about liking him. talking to you all the time but you had to go and do it, you had to lie straight to my fucking face.
i hope you're fucking happy now, i hope you're happy for all the times you lied to me and i beilieved it. all the times i believed in you and you just lead me on thinking i wasnt going to listen to anyone else.
about him, about what you did, what he said, what you're doing.
i couldve understood if it was for a reason but it wasnt. you were my big sis, my closest friend, and you were fucking stabbing me in the back the whole time.
Stop burning bridges and drive off of them So I can forget about you.....

There's a story at the bottom of this bottle and I'm the pen

2007-07-16T21:35:00.000-07:00

he said too busy.
i said we cant be friends.
she said well we shouldnt talk anymore.
he said he wants to still be friends.
i said I WANNA GO TO SAC WARPED & she said no

hahaha i love this.
i felt right at home at warped, it wasnt even funny.
i felt like i never wanted to leave, i just wanted to stay there.
too bad it only comes once or twice a year.

:]

pretty self explanitory, eh?

2007-06-14T12:11:00.000-07:00

I've gone for too long living like I'm not alive.
So I'm gonna start over tonight, beginning with you and I.
Don't want to run from anything uncomfortable.
I just want, no, I just need this pain to end right here.

I'm not going,
'Cause I've been waiting for a miracle.
And I'm not leaving.
I won't let you
Let you give up on a miracle.
'Cause it might save you.

i'm going to try do this right this time.
hopefully you'll give me another chance.

I've already given up on myself twice, third time is the charm

2007-05-29T18:15:00.000-07:00

i hate this.
you could never know how i feel right now. ever.
i feel horrible beyond comparison but i know a million other people have felt worse than this.
it feels like nothing can make it better but i know i'll feel better after another trip to the coast or anther show.
but even that seems too long.
i need the tides to change,
because these currents are still killing me. <3
& all i want is for you to finally realize that distance will never matter to me.
'Cause I need you more than just for tonight.

Turned off the light on my way out the door

2007-05-18T21:03:00.000-07:00

im proving you wrong.
with everything i have.
i will prove to you that we can be something.
we can be better than you've ever dreamed yourself to be.
i can do it better than you ever thought possible.
i will eventually prove you wrong.
i promise i will try to become what you hope to be.
and then i will tell you,
it's all because of one stupid thing you did.
i will prove you wrong....

we want the airwaves back

2007-05-03T17:02:00.000-07:00

the clock reminds me of summer <3
how i long for the
sweet ocean breeze to rush past me.
i mark the day but
then forget it, but it's still your day.
the one i love.
that you'll never know.
the sweet sight of the ocean crashing into the shores.
i dream of the next time i'll see you.
if he'll give me a chance,
i'll be his friend in hell until then i don't
want anything to do with him.
the summer winds remind me of fall but i love the sound of winter.
crying over him is a waste of tears
i could spend on something more light, more
loving, caring, and understanding.
but pain is all they've ever known.
this is my goodbye to him. something less sweet but more like revenge and disgust.
but you're better than him, arent you?
you always were and you always will be.

And if you say this makes you happy, then I'm not the only lying.

2007-05-01T17:34:00.000-07:00

i told you how i feel about you.
now its your turn.

When I said that I'd return to you I meant more like a relapse.

2007-04-27T16:37:00.000-07:00

i hate everything about you that makes me feel like i'm not good enough.
i hate the way you smile and how i feel like telling you why i look at you this way.

Maybe when I'm done with endings this can begin.

2007-04-26T19:06:00.000-07:00

i wonder if you ever think of me the way i think of you.
maybe just wondering if there's any secrets behind my smile.
maybe you wonder if i will ever trust love again.
maybe i wont.
maybe you acutally wish i would stop looking at you like you're the best thing in the world.
and start looking at you like we're just friends.
maybe you'll tell me you love me.
maybe you love my best friend.
maybe you love to mess with my head like this.
maybe you're doing a good job.
maybe i'll hate you by the end of tomorrow.
maybe i'll fall in love with your smile.
maybe i hate the way you sit near me.
maybe you don't.
maybe we will never be together.
and maybe just maybe, you will look at me the same way i look at you.
maybe i should stop saying maybe and tell you how i really feel.

i don't know what i'm missing, even if it's gone.

2007-04-24T19:15:00.000-07:00

today was awesome.
me & my three best friends, just hanging out and pissing people off.
some lady in circuit city kept asking us "do you need any help?"
after the 5th time i was ready to punch her in the face.
borders is the place to yell out your sad love life.
i'm pretty sure i don't like him now. he just seems more and more like a friend everytime i talk to him.
i need something new and exciting to dull.
everytime i look into a mirror i always see something i want to change.
i can't do the one-two step but i'm pretty sure you can't either. ;]