just tell me one way we can win..

round and round and round we go again.. im getting to the point where singing doesnt even help me anymore.. its really bad if i have to write this out.. becuase now i feel like i cant talk to him about this.. you see.. the root of all my problems is trying to figure out if.. if he can promise me a happy ending i can believe in. im so insecure. my past has led me to be pessimistic. i used to always think of guys as untrustworthy, should always be held at arms length and i should never get used to being with someone. i have never let my guard down to anyone and when i was so close to letting my guard down with him.. he stabs me in the heart. despite what i thought, i wasnt ready for all of this. i thought that me and him could be together forever.. but i was proven wrong.
i cant tell him how im in love with him. i cant without freaking him out.. i want him to come to me and say it.

(continued...)
when im fighting with him i cant breath. it seems impossible. i want to spill my heart out to him.. tell him everything no one knows about me.. but i cant because im fearful of his intentions. im afraid of what i really mean to him.. if he loves me as much as i love him. im scared to know if he really sees us being together.. forever. i hid everything from him before.. im always scared that he wont be he forever. im in love with him.. i literally love everything about him.. but my heart is trying to rebuild itself but i cant completely fix it knowing one day me might give up on me. in Konocti.. when he was sick i couldnt think of anything else but his pain, regardless of my own. its not that i chose to. i couldnt. he literally means the world to me.
i cant stand the thought of everything he said to her and about me those few weeks.. how he was "in love with her".. how he couldnt wait to be with her & lose me. he NEVER said things like that to me and that makes me feel like i did something wrong. i cant forget that.. it feels like he still wants to be with her. it kills me. it hurts so bad. he couldnt ever comprehend. he wrote stuff about her that he NEVER said to me. which was a knife to my already collapsing heart. despite all of this..
im in love with him and he can never know.. at least not until he comes out and tells me first. i dont know what to do until then. i dont know if i should tell him.. but i want him to know why i keep acting like this. its hard to keep secrets from him. i was in love with him a few weeks ago when he demolished my heart and that hurt more than anything else in the world. and despite what i thought, i was caught completely off guard. she could never know how i feel. no one could. no one i know at least..
and now im afraid of opening up to him again because i dont want this to happen ever again..

(im so fucking glad no one i know has the link to this..)

Maybe when I'm done with endings this can begin.

Maybe things can end happily ever after, after all.
Im seeing myself in different ways. that doesnt exactally mean im changing but im looking at myself from a different view, if you will.
im healing from wounds that should have been faded long ago. and my best friend and my closest friends are making it help.
and for the first time in my life, im finally figuring out that a happily ever after, doesnt seem too out of reach.

Your friendship and good times we had you can have them back.

You cant say i changed, at least not without having to look how you've changed in to process.
i dont want to be around people who will treat me different just becuase of something i do that doesnt even affect them. i dont want that. if they carent they would have told me and not let it get in between our friendship. but hey, you cant change people and im all right with that. at least i have people who wont treat be different becuase of something. sure some of them do the same thing but that doesnt change anything.
i dont need this shit. i dont talk to them anymore because i cant relate to them and the fact that they seldom include me, maybe i was distancing myself from them, but why should i give a fuck anymore? i couldnt even be serious around them, sure i could have a good time with them but i was in a postion where i couldnt turn to anyone for a real conversation about things that really mattered. not shit that doesnt have any significance.
so thanks for the memories and the influence youve had on my life but i dont want friends who will treat me different and say i act different(when they have as well), and ditch me when they said they would stop. im sorry and i hope you understand that.

So thank you, your friendship you can have it back.

Another lesson i didnt get to learn.

you're my obsession, i've got nowhere to turn.

I could walk out of this house and take the train to you right now but that wouldnt change anything between us. I told you i hated you and said & i am sorry my conscience called in sick again..and ive got arrogance down to a science. Becuase everytime i speak my mind im leaving you behind and placing another in your place. Someone who treats me better. I hope the guilt trip suffocates you.
of course, hes friends with the girl i once put first before anyone, we were very close and i had to leave her behind. im rememinded everyday how much of a mistake i made that day, im reminded by the people who ive replaced her with. im so far away from her now & i cant turn back. no matter how much i want her to be here by my side helping me through times like these like she did before. i cant go back. & Im going deaf from the "i told you so"s
and im sorry for the pain ive cause you big sister and i hope you're doing well. i miss you more than i did before, but i cant go back. i cant turn around and i hope you know i regret every single word i said. i hope you forgive me.. and im going to let you know that i dont care if you lied about everything you said, i just want to let you know that i still miss you more than anything and im sorry for how our friendship had to end. i still think of you as the sister i never had. no matter what happens...

I want to be better than I am.

So ive come to a realization, if you will, that i will either love you or i will hate everything about you, at any given time during a day or even as little as a few hours. I dont know how, but thats what it eventually comes down to.
Right now, right in the middle, I’m right in the middle.


and why does it always come down to me writing about you in some sense?

Not ready for sincerity, I'd tell any lies to keep you listening.

these days have been so fucked up i cannot seem to jump into the future with everyone bringing the past with us instead of burying it. fuck the way everyone wants to bring up things when others want to forget them. although fixing how people feel about the past makes the future a whole lot less awkward. fuck it, im putting an end to this, i dont want to feel like this anymore.

It's so pathetic, I make myself sick. i dont want you, i dont want you, i dont fucking want you but everytime i see you i start going into i-really-dont-like-you-i-swear-to-god-i-dont-please-stop-looking-at-me-like-that mode. maybe my dream about us will come true but i doubt it. i honestly wouldnt mind if it didnt come true.

Take two years and call me when you're better.

I cant wait another fucking year just to escape.

Who the fuck are you trying to convince? Us or yourself? Am i the only one who realizes that its not completely horrible in this town? The only one who realizes that even if we lived somewhere else we would still want something better than what we have? Put that into your head and let it soak in. Maybe you'll understand that this city is better than some out there. Although i hate these nights at home, im not going to same something drastic without thinking (i know, its a first). You need to realize that what you have is never good enough. you have to have more, ask for more, and im either really annoyed right now or im getting fed up with this shit.
and its funny how you can know someone for years and all it takes is one let down after another (and not saying a fucking thing about it) for things you never thought annoyed you to emerge. you never really think about it till it pops in your head every few minutes and you get entirely pissed off.

the same thing with you can know a guy for half a year and suddenly hes becomes something more to you. it just clicks. you dont really know why and you want to ignore it becuase hes your friend, but you suddenly look at him in an entirely different view. but i need to ignore this. this is the 2nd time today. i cant love you, and i cant imagine what you would say if i said i was falling for you and i dont want to think about it.
why cant i just be happy with what i have for once? why cant i just be content with every good thing going on, i want more but i dont want to open my mouth up about it. i want someone there for me, to actually show me that theres a decent boy just for me. we're not just falling in love anymore, we're demanding it.
and every finger is pointing to you but all you can see is me running away from you, running away from what i really want.